Exile from Space Page 9

him another lie, now, whenI knew I would never see him again, that this was the last time Icould ever possibly be close to him in any way. I couldn't estrangemyself by lying.

  * * * * *

  And I was _also_ psychologically incapable--I found out--of tellingthe truth. They'd seen to that.

  It was the first time I'd ever hated them. The first time, I suppose,that I fully realized my position with them.

  I could not tell the truth, and I would not tell a lie; all I could dowas explain this, and hope he would believe me. I could explain, too,that I was no spy, no enemy; that those who had prevented me fromtelling what I wanted to tell were no menace to his government or hispeople.

  He believed me.

  It was just that simple. He believed me, because I suppose he knew,without knowing how he knew it, that it was truth. Humans are notincapable of communication; they are simply unaware of it.

  I told him, also, that they were coming for me, that I had calledthem, and--regretfully--that he had better leave before they came.

  "You said they weren't enemies or criminals. You were telling thetruth, weren't you?"

  "Yes, I was. They won't _harm_ you. But they might...." I couldn't sayit. I didn't know the words when I tried to say it. _Might take youaway with them ... with us...._

  "Might what?"

  "Might ... oh, I don't _know_!"

  Now he was suspicious again. "All right," he said. "I'll leave. Youcome with me."

  It was just that simple. Go back with him. Let them come and not findme. What could they do? Their own rules would keep them from huntingfor me. They couldn't come down among the people of Earth. Go back.Stop running.

  We got into his car, and he turned around and smiled at me again, likethe other time.

  I smiled back, seeing him through a shiny kind of mist which must havebeen tears. I reached for him, and he reached for me at the same time.

  When we let go, he tried to start the car, and it wouldn't work. Ofcourse. I'd forgotten till then. I started laughing and crying at thesame time in a sort of a crazy way, and took him back inside andshowed him the projector. They'd forgotten to give me any commandsabout not doing that, I guess. Or they thought it wouldn't matter.

  It did matter. Larry looked it over, and puzzled over it a little, andfooled around, and asked me some questions. I didn't have muchtechnical knowledge, but I knew what it did, and he figured out theway it did it. Nothing with an electro-magnetic motor was going towork while that thing was turned on, not within a mile or so in anydirection. And there wasn't any way to turn it off. It was a homingbeam, and it was on to stay--foolproof.

  That was when he looked at me, and said slowly, "You got here threedays ago, didn't you, babe?"

  I nodded.

  "There was--God-damn it, it's too foolish! There was a--a _flyingsaucer_ story in the paper that day. Somebody saw it land on a hilltopsomewhere. Some crackpot. Some ... how about it, kid?"

  I couldn't say yes and I couldn't say no, and I did the only thingthat was left, which was to get hysterical. In a big way.

  He had to calm me down, of course. And I found out why the televisionshows stop with the kiss. The rest is very private and personal.

  * * * * *

  _Author's note: This story was dictated to me by a five-year-oldboy--word-for-word, except for a very few editorial changes of my own.He is a very charming and bright youngster who plays with my ownfive-year-old daughter. One day he wandered into my office, andwatched me typing for a while, then asked what I was doing. I answered(somewhat irritably, because the children are supposed to stay out ofthe room when I'm working) that I was trying to write a story._

  "_What kind of a story?_"

  "_A grown-up story._"

  "_But what_ kind?"

  _"A science-fiction story." The next thing I was going to do was tocall my daughter, and ask her to take her company back to theplayroom. I had my mouth open, but I never got a syllable out. Teddywas talking._

  _"I don't know where they got the car," he said. "They made three orfour stops before the last...." He had a funny look on his face, andhis eyes were glazed-looking._

  _I had seen some experimental work with hypnosis and post-hypnoticperformance. After the first couple of sentences, I led Teddy into theliving-room, and switched on the tape-recorder. I left it on as longas he kept talking. I had to change tapes once, and missed a few moresentences. When he was done, I asked him, with the tape still running,where he had heard that story._

  _"What story?" he asked. He looked perfectly normal again._

  "_The story you just told me._"

  _He was obviously puzzled._

  "_The_ science-fiction _story_," _I said_.

  _"I don't know where they got the car," he began; his face was set andhis eyes were blank._

  _I kept the tape running, and picked up the parts I'd missed before.Then I sent Teddy off to the playroom, and played back the tape, andthought for a while._

  _There was a little more, besides what you've read. Parts of it wereconfused, with some strange words mixed in, and with sentenceshalf-completed, and a feeling of ambivalence or censorship orinhibition of some kind preventing much clarity. Other parts werequite clear. Of these, the only section I have omitted so far thatseems to me to belong in the story is this one:--_

  * * * * *

  The baby will have to be born on Earth! They have decided thatthemselves. And for the first time, I am glad that they cannotcommunicate with me as perfectly as they do among themselves. I canthink some things they do not know about.

  We are not coming back. I do not think that I will like it on Earthfor very long, and I do not know--neither does Larry--what will happento us when the Security people find us, and we cannot answer theirquestions. But--

  I am a woman now, and I love like a woman. Larry will not be theirpet; so I cannot be. I am not sure that I am fit to be what Larrythinks of as a "human being." He says I must learn to be "my ownmaster." I am not at all sure I could do this, if it were necessary,but fortunately, this is one of Larry's areas of semantic confusion.The feminine of _master_ is _mistress_, which has various meanings.

  Also, there is the distinct possibility, from what Larry says, that wewill not, _either_ of us, be allowed even as much liberty as we havehere.

  There is also the matter of gratitude. _They_ brought me up, took careof me, taught me, loved me, gave me a way of life, and a knowledge ofmyself, infinitely richer than I could ever have had on Earth. Perhapsthey even saved my life, healing me when I was quite possibly beyondthe power of Earthly medical science to save. But against all this--

  _They_ caused the damage to start with. It was _their_ force-fieldthat wrecked the car and killed my parents. _They_ have paid for it;_they_ are paying for it yet. _They_ will continue to pay, for moreyears than make sense in terms of a human lifetime. _They_ willcontinue to wander from planet to planet and system to system, because_they_ have broken _their_ own law, and now may never go home.

  But _I_ can.

  I am a woman, and Larry is a man. We will go home and have our baby.And perhaps the baby will be the means of our freedom, some day. If wecannot speak to save ourselves, he may some day be able to speak forus.

  I do not think the blocks they set in us will penetrate my womb as myown thoughts, I hope, already have.

  * * * * *

  _Author's note: Before writing this story--as a story--I talked withJohnny's parents. I approached them cautiously. His mother is a bigwoman, and a brunette. His father is a friendly fat redhead. I alreadyknew that neither of them reads science-fiction. The word is notlikely to be mentioned in their household._

  _They moved to town about three years ago. Nobody here knew thembefore that, but there are rumors that Johnny is adopted. They did notvolunteer any confirmation of that information when I talked to them,and they did not pick up on any of the leads I offered about hisrecitati
on._

  _Johnny himself is small and fair-haired. He takes after his paternalgrandmother, his mother says...._

  * * * * *